"Let them eat... yogurt."

Today was no different than any other day. Woke up, got ready for work, grabbed some snacks from the kitchen and headed out to start my day. As Mondays go, today was starting out to be a good one. But as I settled in to enjoy my mid morning snack, lemon chiffon yogurt (yumm!), my fantasy-like day was abruptly brought back to reality with a huge SPLAT. The inevitable explosion of yogurt as you break the sealed aluminum barrier. And it always seems to land on everything in sight even though in reality it is only about the size of a nickel. But somehow, it extends beyond the logical range, of course finding a home smack-dab in the middle of my shirt. When did yogurt become so volatile? Is there some vindictive grocery store employee shaking all of the yogurt containers as if they were soda cans before stocking them, making them tiny dairy time-bombs? I don't remember growing up and having to don a SWAT mask prior to opening that ever dangerous container of yogurt. The container should come w/ a built in drop cloth. Or, better yet, the plastic lid should transform into a shield to ensure a safe opening experience. All you inventors out there, I beg of you, find a way to stop these senseless splats of yogurt (and wastes of a perfectly edible bite of yogurt, I might add). Make the world, once again, safe for us yogurt consumers.

All about the weekends

For some time now, I have tried to get others on board with my two day work week with a five day weekend. While people like the idea, they feel it just wouldn't quite work out logistically. Well, this week I experienced the five day weekend, unexpectedly. Sure, it took going to the ER with a kidney infection to achieve this "vacation" but I did it. A mere five days of being in absolutely excrutiating pain! But then only worked two days, and TaDa... the weekend is already here.

Okay, so maybe there is a some fault in my carrying out of my plan (in case you were wondering, a kidney infection is no way to achieve additional days off work, trust me) but I promise you, the 5-day weekend shall prevail, I promise you. Back to the drawing board.

Saving the best for last (or so you think)

As a true lover of all things edible, eating for me is not just a mere life sustaining act... it is a dance, it is an art, it is, dare I say... love!!! So anything that might taint this act of love is my true enemy. This brings me to the our topic today... the last bite of food. I treasure that last bite of whatever food I may be eating. I am not a haphazard eater, I plan my bites so that the last bite will encompass all of the best that food has to offer me. I examine that burger or burrito and eat around the parts I want to savor as my last bite. I know you may be mocking me to other people right now, but in your hearts you are thinking, "She is brilliant, why have I not been doing this all along?" And to all of you out there, I say it is not too late to start!!! But be warned, there are some last bites in which you will have no control. Let me introduce you to the BABY CARROTS.

Far too often lately I have been enjoying a handful of sweet and succulent baby carrots (mind you I am at work and have only packed myself a limited supply) and every carrot seems to be better than the previous. Impossible, you say? True, I say. But then I reach for that fateful last carrot, take a bite and what do I find? Bitter, awful, disappointment. How is it possible that the one bad carrot in the bunch always manages to elude my hand until the very end of the line, leaving the lasting flavor of YUCK in my mouth instead of the sweet, wonderful memory of all those that preceded it? And it is not just carrots, no! Beware! They have spread this malicious talent to other once wonderful snack items like cherries, strawberries, and blueberries. It is truly a crap shoot out there!!! I truly don't know how to combat this warfare. I have tried leaving that lone piece in the bag, not eating it because I know it will cause misery in the end. But I have to be honest, my will power, not that good. I see food, food was meant to be eaten, and I have always been one to follow rules. And the moment I do, it is as if the food is saying "Told you so" while I am chewing it. Powerless, I tell you. At this point, I wouldn't object to all of the carrots showing up in the bag with a bite taken out them to ensure their quality. Extreme, I do realize, but is that not the job of quality control departments, to make sure I do not end up with a bad taste in my mouth. Though I would not envy the person who had that job. "What do you do for a living?" "Oh, I taste-test carrots all day long." No fun, but everyone has to make a living somehow.

I guess I will have to continue taking those chances in life and continue eating that last bite. That's right, I'm a risk taker. I don't watch life go by, I live it!!! If any of you out there have found a weapon to stop these rebel foods, please let me know. Until then, eat well and prosper!!!

Back from Outer Sleblovia

Greetings all!!! I must apologize for the hiatus from posting here, but I guess you could say that I have been busy living life and have not had much time to write about life. I would say I am choosing the better of the two options. Wouldn't you? What a difference a month makes!

Okay, back to the blogging... I recently participated in a Krav Maga Women's Self Defense class. For those of you not in the know, Krav Maga is the hand to hand combat technique used by the Israeli Defense System. I like to call it "The Art of Cheap Shots." You basically look for an open, and might I say vulnerable spot, on your opponent/attacker and have at it with whatever you have available (aka: knee, shin, elbow, etc). Fun, huh? It was a blast!!! I felt so bad-ass after the class, I wanted to walk around in a bad neighborhood just so that some unsuspecting criminal could attack me and I could "Krav Maga" the crap out of him!!! In case you didn't notice, I am using Krav Maga as a verb, that's right, my own little variation. Gotta problem with that (she says with a glare in her eye that says she can kick anyone's butt)? I didn't think so!!! Do you see the confidence that comes with this technique (along w/ a lot of sore muscles and bruises, but that is the price you pay for fierceness, I suppose). Anyways, I am now a huge fan of the technique and am considering taking the eight week course to become even more of a threat to the forces of evil. I highly recommend it to everyone. Hopefully, they will teach me some restraint as well so that I don't go around beating everyone up just cause I can (cause I gotta be honest with you... that is kinda how I feel right now).

Well, it feels good to be back in the blogosphere. Promise not to be gone this long again. There is just too much ridiculous stuff out there that I need to comment on/make fun of.

Too much Hasselhoff

Over the last week, I have encountered far too much David Hasselhoff on TV. The first offense: Knight Rider was spotted in the crowd crying (like a baby) during the announcement of Taylor Hicks' victory in American Idol. Bad, very bad (however, very fun to mock endlessly as I have been doing). The second offense: Lifeguard Mitch was a guest on the ever funny "Whose line is it anyway?" this week. Now, while I will admit, the skits he participated in were laugh-worthy, his outfit, DEAR LORD!!! He was wearing black leather pants, black leather boots, a blue shirt, and, to accent that ensemble...a black leather jacket. I can hear the conversation dear David had with his agent..."just get me on any show that will put me on camera, I'll do anything." I wouldn't be surprised if his character showed up on South Park, in red lifeguard shorts no less, driving a car that speaks (actually has there already been an episode like that, cuz that could be good). Then what, the Surreal Life, Celebrity Fear Factor, David Hasselhoff's Apprentice? What will we do? I guess, as long as he continues to make these ridiculous cameos, I will be forced to continue making fun of him. So maybe "too much Hasselhoff" is good, without him, where will I get all my material?

The genius of the continuous spray

It is that time of year again, folks. The sun is out, the water is warm and the beaches, they are the places to be. The dilemma... sunscreen! If you are anything like me, you probably have a dozen half used bottles of sunscreen just lying around your house, because inevitably I will end up buying a new bottle each season. I never get through an entire one and I am always lured to the register with the newest gadgets in sun protection. Well look no further folks. I have found the ultimate in sun protection (and its fun!). Coppertone Continuous Spray! Gone are the days of your hand cramping up as you try to pump enough sunscreen out to cover your entire body from those archaic "pump sprayers", or the gross, sticky fingers that result from helping a friend apply sunscreen to their back. The benefits are endless: It comes in SPF 15 and 30, full coverage, and no rubbing in required. The fun part is that you kinda look like a bodybuilder about to go on stage for a competition immediately after application. But don't worry, that glistening physique only lasts for about a minute and then it is all soaked in. This was my protection of choice for this beautiful Memorial Day weekend we just enjoyed and not a sunburn to be found. (okay that is a tiny lie, I have a minor, minor sunburn, but that is only because I was out for four hours straight, during peak sun exposure I might add, and did not reapply in time. The fault lies with the user, not the product.) So, for all of you beach lovers, hikers, and anyone who enjoys spending time outside during the sunny, summer days So Cal has in store for us, I recommend checking out the CCS, you'll be glad you did.

Caution: Exercise restraint during first application or you will end up using the whole can in one weekend like someone we all know and love.

Somewhat related caution: Being that it is the beginning of the summer season, learn from my mistake and build up your endurance slowly for all summer activities ie: frisbee and bong-ball (a version of smashball that uses plastic paddles that make a fun "bong" sound everytime the ball hits it). I am suffering from some seriously sore biceps (muscle responsible for the controlled frisbee release) and gluts (primary muscle involved with lunging for the bong-ball). Be sure to stretch out there folks!!!

Immitation is not always the best form of flattery

For those of you who know me, you know that I have a true love for food and, therefore, a love of the Food Network. However, the other day while watching Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee (she made a fabulous clam chowder by the way, yummy!), she used immitation crab in one of her dishes. This left me with the question..."What the hell is immitation crab?" and why is it in so many things? What do people have against the real thing? Obviously, we enjoy the flavor of crab otherwise why would we be striving to immitate it. So I decided to research this enigma and found that immitation crab is actually Alaska Pollack, that's right, it's fish! Actually, it is fish with natural and artificial crab flavorings added to it. Where one goes to find natural or artificial crab flavorings, I have no idea. But then I started to feel bad for the unappreciated Pollack, is it not special enough to be enjoyed as itself? Must it dress up as crab in order to get attention? Pollack is not up there with the other recognizable fish entrees of Halibut or Salmon or SeaBass. Would I get funny looks at restaurants if I ordered Pollack cakes? I say we give the Pollack the recognition it deserves. After all, Pollack has probably done a lot in furthering the fame of the crab, where would California Rolls be without it?

So, the next time you reach for those California Rolls, I suggest you take a moment of silence and thank the Pollack for the sacrifices it has had to make to further the career of the crab over his own!

How do you prefer your Meatloaf?

I would like to take this opportunity to correct a serious mistake I made in my previous post. I failed to make note of the most offensive performance of the night during the American Idol finals...Meatloaf. Now, while I would not call myself a Meatloaf fan, I do remember him and appreciate his contributions to the music industry. However, I do believe what happened on that stage last night was not so much singing as it was a seizure. I work in the medical field, so this is not speculation, this is an expert opinion. I seriously feared for the safety of McPhee-ver while she was singing so close to him. He had to know how bad he sounded, right? In the future, Meatloaf, when asked to perform in front of millions of people, just stick with what you know and say... "I would do anything for love, but I won't do that!"

Sidebar: seeing as the title of this post is technically food related, I would like to also take this time to congratulate Harold for taking the Top Chef last night as well. Props to Dave as well for that killer dessert which Tiffany tried to take credit for, but we know the truth, right Dave.

All in all, a great night for reality TV!!!

The Good, the bad, and the utterly ridiculous

First and foremost...Congrats to Taylor Hicks. Love him, love him!!!

But when it comes to last night's American Idol finals, where do I begin?

Good: the amount of performances by all the finalists (everyone loves a good music montage)
Bad: the amount of sour notes hit by once fabulous entertainers

Good: Carrie Underwood returning to the Idol stage
Bad: Clay Aiken returning to the Idol stage (sorry to all the "Clay-mates" out there, he just doesn't do it for me)

Bad: the whole "Golden Idol Awards"
Even Worse: bringing those contestants back on stage to give them 15 more seconds of fame

Good: Prince making an appearance
Bad: Prince's back up dancers/singers... did they even rehearse or just throw some ants down their pants and run on stage?

Good: Dionne Warwick singing "That's what friends are for"
Bad: Dionne Warwick's perma-shock look due to one too many facelifts.

Good: Taylor Hicks winning
Bad: Seeing David Hasselhoff crying as they panned the audience after they announced the winner.

For all those who did not watch last night, hopefully this gives you a little summary of the events. If you want more, don't worry, I taped it!!!

Seacrest, out!

Last one...I promise

Okay, this is my last post regarding anything DaVinci...I promise. But I saw the supposedly long and boring movie this weekend and I have to say, I do not agree with the critics. While I will admit there are some differences from the book, there have to be, there is no way they could get all the information from the book into a movie 2hours and 45 minutes long. And don't let the length scare you away. It does not feel that long, this coming from a girl whose butt falls asleep after sitting in a movie theatre seat for one hour. I looked at my watch (okay, cell phone, I haven't worn a watch on a regular basis since I don't know when, but I digress) at what I thought was maybe half way through and realized we had a mear 40 minutes left. I didn't even mind Tom Hanks as Robert Langdon, as I thought I would.

Now, some rules if you go see the movie. Don't go to see it with the hopes of seeing the movie of this great book you read. You will be disappointed. Nothing will ever equal the book, so set yourself up for success and lower your expectations a little. Enjoy the movie for the suspenseful twists and wonderful characters (and actors I might add) that it has to offer.

I hope this review has been helpful. I know I was pleasantly surprised based on the reviews I had heard prior to seeing the movie. If you are still a skeptic, be sure to order the large popcorn, a coke and Reese's Pieces to munch on during the movie. Seriously, with that delicious combo, how can anything you watch be bad?

Free to be me

At last, my life is my own again. I have finished the DaVinci Code and no longer feel the need to rush home and spend my nights anticipating the next curve ball the book would inevitably throw at me. (sidebar: for all the skeptics, I was enjoying the book for the amazing suspense novel it was, not as a factual document that will shift any beliefs or faith I have) After I finished last night, I found myself wondering what I was going to do with my time, and then I saw the disturbingly large mound of laundry staring at me and suddenly I knew I would not suffer from a lack of tasks to fill my days. Perhaps I shall dive into another book and continue to avoid the reality of real life chores. But then the question looms, "what will I wear?" (Which leads to the next, more important, question, "Is everything motivation in life fueled by fashion?") Too philosophical for me. For now, I will continue to indulge myself with the distraction a good book can offer. Happy Reading!!!

I have a monkey on my back, and his name is Da Vinci

So, I realize that I am late to jump on the "Da Vinci Code" bandwagon but, Oh my goodness, I am hooked. After starting the first few chapters late Saturday night, I got into the heart of it late Sunday afternoon. The only reason I stopped at midnight last night was because my poor little eyes could not go anymore. And believe me when I say this, my first thought when I woke up this morning was "Do you think I could get away with calling in sick so that I could continue reading today?" Don't worry, my responsible side prevailed and I reported to work (with my book in hand should any of my patients cancel and I would be able to sneek in a quick chapter or two). I am sure that I will be up most of the night finishing the book tonight and will be ready to go see the movie this weekend. Though most people I know who have read the book have a hard time picturing Tom Hanks in the role, I have been picturing his face the entire time (something to be said for waiting until the role has been cast to read the book). For anyone contemplating reading the book I say, "Get out there and read on." Just hope you don't have any pressing engagements scheduled because you will find yourself torn.

Today just might surprise you

To start my entries off on an uplifting note... just when I thought a gloomy day like today would bring nothing special to the table, in walks a surprise. One on my patients, a little eight year old cutie, brings in his guitar to play a song for me. And they say there are no true surprises in the world today.